Schedule sex. Two words smashed together that seem counterintuitive. We schedule meetings, visits with the in-laws and Pap smears. Sex, on the other hand, should be spontaneous, raging with lust and laced with urgency. Amiright?

 Well, here’s the thing, the pull to get naked with someone is often not a priority at a day’s end. We’re tired–screw that, we’re exhausted– and we love a comfort zone, long socks, and a lengthy list of streaming services. 

 I’ve been in a committed relationship for 13 years, and while the love is still very much there, the lust of a new love is not. Our relationship has evolved, and with that comes an awareness that maintaining desire takes a helluva lot more work now than it did a decade ago when we were at it like bonobos–sorry, mum.

 Whipping out the calendar and booking in sex dates–yes, it’s that easy– nudges you to carve out a space for intimacy, whatever that means to you.

 When you know you have a kinky date in the diary, you’ll start thinking about what you’re going to do; you may even want to send a cheeky text message or two. Your foreplay will start, as it should, long before the socks come off (or maybe you like to keep yours on–hey, you do you).

 Good sex isn’t something that just happens, good sex is about intimacy, and intimacy needs nurturing. 

 So here are some pointers for you. Firstly, start easy. Schedule one hour each week that works for you both and put it in the calendar. Be realistic. An 11 pm start won’t work if you’re usually snoozing by 10 pm. Use an emoji or a code or mark it “private” in your calendar if you wish to avoid scintillating banter on your work’s Slack channel.

 Talk about what you’d like to do during this hour, before the date. Be playful; keep the expectations at bay. This date is about intimacy, so mix it up a little and be flexible. Read erotica to each other, dedicate one session to oral, another to exploring every part of your lover’s body. But most of all, and this is the kicker: you must stick to the date –we want more banging, not Binge-ing.

originally published in PerthNow, August 5, 2021