I have this beautiful friend. We’re going to call her Betty. Betty went out on a second date with a guy she thought was amazing. I don’t hear her talk very often about amazing men. She has a longer list of must-haves than I currently have on my mammoth SHIT-I-NEED-TO-GET-DONE-BEFORE-XMAS list that’s only getting longer.

But, this one man happened to tick many, many of her boxes.  Unfortunately, he didn’t want to continue getting to know her.

She sent me a very upset and frustrated message about not being able to handle rejection. She feels she should be better at it, that it shouldn’t hurt; she shouldn’t care.

My response to her was that none of us handle rejection well. We’re humans, not robots. We have emotions. It hurts to be vulnerable and then shot down. We yearn to be loved, particularly by those we want to love. Studies have shown that emotional pain like rejection physically hurts and you can take a drug for it.

Her response to it? She now refuses to date. She’s in the avoidance state.

I see it in my own relationship, too. If I feel rejected, I can drop into the avoidance state where I get defensive and refuse to look at what is happening through another lens.

Rejection isn’t a bad thing. Yes, it hurts like hell but I don’t believe it’s a reflection of our self-worth. There are too many reasons to list why rejection may happen.  I have been rejected in every facet of my life. We let rejection hurt us because we take it very personally. We are more inclined to listen to the one “no” than the hundred “yeses”. 

If my partner wants to have sex with me and I say no, it’s not because I’m not attracted to him, it’s usually because of whatever is going on with me at the time. For example, right now, I am recovering from wrist surgery and I have some pain and I have little functioning in my right hand so I can’t be as active as I usually am.  I still find him super hot but the pain I’m experiencing is altering my desire for pleasure.

You will be rejected in your relationship, in future relationships. Nobody can escape rejection. The key is to take it for what it is and try to stop yourself from going into the avoidance state. If you ask your partner for sex and they say no, try to figure out why your partner doesn’t want sex with you. Don’t crack the shits, don’t be petulant, don’t be defensive and don’t take it personally.