Consent in long-term relationships

Last week my partner and I rugged up and walked to our favourite bar for red wine, frites and chilli mussels. As we sat–the rain smashing at the cafe blinds amidst the hubbub of people crowded around tables laden with bottles and candles–we chatted about life and how nice it was to have some time to ourselves.

We have two kids, so when we have a date night, it’s a chance to relax and unwind and it’s usually a great time to check in and ask each other how we’re feeling about everything – our relationship, work, kids, and other happenings. As we’ve grown as a couple, we’ve got better at being open and comfortable expressing our concerns and worries next to our happiness and triumphs. And it wasn’t until a few days after date night that I read an article about consent in long-term relationships, and it got me reflecting on consent in my 15+ year relationship and how it has changed over time.

Consent is something that is on my mind a lot. Sometimes it’s tricky to navigate. Many months ago, my partner and I discussed consent in our sex life. Consent is key regardless of the stage or structure of your relationship but so much consent talk centres around sex. When you’ve been together for 15 years, your conversation around sex is so different to when you first get together with someone. My partner’s comment to me about sex and consent was, “But we don’t always ask each other for consent every time we have sex.” And this is true. Sometimes, it just happens without saying “yes” enthusiastically, and we are both totally fine with that.

My partner and I know each other so well that it feels like we are in sync in some inexplicable way. On occasion, my partner will call me, I’ll answer the call and before he’s said a word, I will have responded to what he was going to ask me. At other times, we’ll be thinking the same thing and simultaneously start talking about it even though it was completely unrelated to what we were talking about before. It blows our mind every time these things happen but the familiarity of being with someone for so long can trick you into thinking some rules don’t apply, or, you know they apply but you get a little lax.

And in our situation, the comfort and sense of knowing mean we don’t necessarily ask for consent from each other before we have sex and sometimes it feels weird for us to ask. There are many times when we will discuss having sex or we’ll have scheduled a night that we’re both happy with. And if sex starts to go down a road either of us isn’t happy with, we’re confident to speak up. We are vocal about asking each other what we like and want, and we regularly discuss our boundaries, desires and fantasies.  (If you are having trouble with this, please remember I have a helpful tool in our play menus section for helping you set your boundaries).

But to go back to the article I mentioned, lately, I’ve been thinking about consent in a much broader context. The story we hear so often is consent + sex but consent applies to many other areas of our romantic (and platonic) relationships. The “enthusiastic yes” to having sex is what we most associate with consent but I also think we’re doing our relationships a disservice if we limit ourselves to thinking about consent only when it comes to sex. 

The discussion I had with my partner on our date night at our favourite wine bar is a form of consent. We’re checking in with each other to see how we’re feeling in our relationship. We weren’t asking each other if we’d like to have sex, we were asking each other how we were feeling outside of the bedroom– are we happy with how we’re interacting? My partner and I argue, and piss each other off, we have conflicting desires and needs, we are both stubborn and opinionated, and anybody who knows me knows that sometimes I can be harsh. 

I think at its core, consent is about consideration and care for another human. Are you ok with this? Are you ok if I do this? Are you ok if this happens? Does this feel good? Can I touch you here? Would you like to do this? It’s about taking into consideration the wants, desires and boundaries of another. And consent will work best if it’s designed for your relationship, and your relationship language.

Think of all the ways consent applies. Yes, sex is one, but it also applies to your bank accounts, your friendships and your family. Sometimes my partner will say to my daughter “Give me a kiss?”, and while his tone indicates to me that it’s a question, I always remind him to make sure that she is aware that this is a question, not a command: “do you want to give me a kiss?”

Reframing how we’re thinking about consent in all aspects of our lives (not just sex) can help you more easily integrate it into your every day and make sure it’s there in your long-term relationships. And I know that discussions about consent can be uncomfortable for some people. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with your lover for 5 minutes or 5 years, these discussions aren’t easy. It’s also never to late to have a discussion with your partner/s about consent.

In my 20s, I was a people pleaser and a lover pleaser. I would say yes when I wanted to say no because I felt like saying no was kinda rude. I was taught from a young age that it was rude if I didn’t kiss my nanna, and then because my sex ed was atrocious, I said yes to boyfriends because I didn’t want them getting upset or feeling rejected. I still at times feel a sense of guilt when I say no to my partner because even after many, many years it’s hard to shake off all that conditioning.

And if this resonates with you, and you find it challenging to say no, you can try to reframe the no into another language. This article I read talked about a scaling consent. What does that look like? Well, if your partner asks you for sex and you’re not keen, instead of saying no, you could say “I’m really tired tonight so sex is probably a 2 for me, but tomorrow night I’m thinking it’s looking like a 7.” Of course, you can always change that number tomorrow but it can feel a little more gentle on your lover/less threatening to you, to use a scale.

Just remember, consent and boundaries are there to allow you the freedom to play and interact and create and build strong bonds and relationships, and it’s a never ending process as you grow and change. Consent is about care and respect, it’s not about rejection and offence. 

I would love to know how you go about dealing with consent and if you have similar or different experiences to me. Feel free to pop a comment below or you can always submit a question or a comment via Ask Me Anything.

Love,

Theodora

xo