The adage “it’s the quality, not the quantity” applies to multiple facets of our life. For example, do you fill your home with meaningless crap and spend short minutes with different people, never building genuine connections?

Or do you buzz from hours-long conversations with friends or dropping money on the better-made jacket destined to last 20 times longer than my last relationship?

You know where I’m going next. This same rule applies to sex. It may seem like an obvious point, but we can make the mistake of focusing on filling a quota rather than designing an intimate life that nurtures our kinks.

Ten poorly executed quickies every day will pale compared to a fun, intense sex session once a week or once a fortnight that takes time to focus on pleasure.

I have two tiny terrorists (sorry, children), so quickies are inevitable. But, for the most part, they aren’t memorable unless you count the ones where you get caught, but that’s not the kind of enduring memory one relishes.

The “oh god, that was good” moments for us are when we’ve blocked out time and are physically and mentally engaged and focused on pleasure. And despite what people think because of the business I run, I’m not bonking away all day; I have other things to do (like charge my sex toys, for example).

But this is why quality is essential because when you’re busy and time-poor, it’s less of a strain on your relationship if the sex is damn good when you do it.

Now, I’m not saying you can be satisfied with good quality sex once every six months; for most of us, that is too long between visits to the pleasure dome, especially if you’re in a committed relationship. My point is that focusing on what gives us pleasure and why will benefit you more than keeping a tally.

So what does quality look like? It’s different for everyone. Maybe you want better communication, more focus on activities outside of penetration, or more kissing. Start by thinking about the qualities you want in your intimate life and what gives you the most pleasure. What does that sexual experience look like for you and your partner? Once you’ve created your list, sit down with your partner and discuss it. That’s the foundation of quality.

originally published in PerthNow, August 19, 2021