Porn, movies, and tv shows would have you believe that with just a few strokes from an engorged and eager penis, you’ll be screaming “Oh God” so loudly the neighbours will want what you’re having but if you’re like me (and 80% of other women), you don’t usually orgasm from penetrative sex.

Once upon a time, I believed that I should be able to orgasm with penetration and because I found it difficult I thought the problem was me. What did I do about this? I foolishly became an absolute rockstar at faking orgasms.

I don’t want you to ever fake an orgasm. I want you to close the gap and there are two ways to do it: first, you have to acknowledge it and then you must educate.

It sounds simple but many people assume that their lover should know what turns them on or how to touch their clit so they will come. But seriously, that’s like rocking up to a restaurant and expecting the waiter to know what you want without saying a word.

In my experience, men aren’t selfish lovers; they’re often just uneducated ones. What they lack in knowledge they often make up for in enthusiasm. In my experience, nothing turns a guy on more than his lover getting off.  They are like puppies who just need some training and guidance in order to get there.

The problem is this lack of communication about how to do that. Most of us need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and we are masters of this when we masturbate. Most of us know what buttons to hit and what gets us off. Having an orgasm while masturbating is so natural to me that I often forget that I need to help my partner. 

I’m going to share a story with you to illustrate. Last year while renovating our house, I used a concrete grinding machine on our floors downstairs and it sent my Carpal Tunnel pain through the roof. It turns out vibrating things are no good for this condition ( And for those who are interested in how that’s going, I will be having surgery! So, yuk).  Then this year when I started back at the gym, I was using the rowing machine but that too set off my pain. Guess what else sets off my pain? My vibrator. Un-fucking believable. So I had to pass vibrating duties to my partner and I found myself in something similar to a tutorial. I mean this thing has so many settings and different intensities and I like to move the vibrator in a certain way and it is truly a highly choreographed masterpiece. It’s impossible for my partner to know how to work this thing without communicating.

The clitoris can seem quite confronting and confusing to men. A penis is very obvious, it gets erect and there’s a pretty clear up, down, around and sucking motion that’s going to do the job. But remember, Google had long been established as a successful company before the full anatomy of the clitoris was discovered in 2005, and most of the clitoris is hidden (it’s often referred to as an iceberg because 90% of it is internal, it’s also big and interconnected and is 10cm long). It goes deep. And then for many women, the part we can see is too sensitive for direct touch. Add to this the fact that women’s pleasure has been almost an afterthought since the beginning of time and we find ourselves in the frustrating position of what is essentially a never-ending educational campaign to teach our lovers how to get us off. 

But here’s the single best thing you can do for your coupled pleasure: show your partner what feels good. Show them where to touch, and how to touch in as much detail as possible. And feel free to positively reinforce and offer those treats for a job well done.