Keeping up with Mr Grey

BDSM was catapulted into mainstream media in 2011. Adult stores reported that an unprecedented number of women were visiting, scanning the shelves for cuffs and bondage-inspired wear after reading about a young student embroiled in an affair with an older, wealthy sadist. Yes, I’m talking about 50 Shades of Grey.

Suddenly, the vibe was pro-bondage and anti-vanilla; if you weren’t enrolling in BDSM 101, you were destined to be relegated to a vanilla hell. 

Over the years, I have talked to many women about sex. Some have been into really kinky stuff, others have not been one bit interested in kinky stuff. Some women began exploring at a young age, brimming with confidence and determined to prioritise their pleasure; other women were older and too afraid to even voice their desires. And then, of course, there’s been many in between.

The women I’ve met have had different relationship structures and attractions, different needs, and different wants.  Some have been happy seeing their lover occasionally; others live and work with each other. Some have been young and explorative, and others have been older and explorative; some have been asexual, some have cheated, some of been cheated on, some have been open, some have been poly and some have been in sexless marriages for longer than they were single. 

Some have loved public sex, some loved sex parties, some have loved anal and others abhor it. Some have craved romance and and candle-lit dinners and long baths. Some have bought sex toys, others haven’t a clue where to start. And a massive amount us like a little of this and a little of that. Many differences but one golden thread tying us together: the pursuit of pleasure.

I love some kinky and I love some cuddling. I love to dress up, I love to brandish a whip, I love dancing around in my pale pink choker but I also love a good kissing session with no hands and nothing else afterwards, and sipping a negroni in my beautiful armchair while talking to my partner about the week’s events.

My point is the best sex and intimate moments happen when you’re doing what gives you the most pleasure. You don’t have the best sex when you’re doing what you think you should be doing, or what the latest clickbait articles tells you you should be doing. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve found yourself turning into a chameleon, pretending to like something because a lover liked it? I used to do this all the time because I didn’t know how to communicate or get what I wanted.

An ex-boyfriend of mine used to be obsessed with watching a particular brand of odd European porn when we were having sex. I went along with it because he told me he’d done all sorts of kinky things when he was living in Prague and he wanted a girlfriend who liked that stuff. And so being young and naive and wanting to fit in with the cool kids, I went along with it, but it wasn’t what I wanted or enjoyed.

Your pleasure and the way your body, mind, soul and heart work is unique to you. Having fun and exploring is great. I’m all for it, and I assume if you’ve joined our BAD* Sex crew that you’re curious, too. But just remember, there are so many ways to harness your pleasure and if one way doesn’t work for you, that’s A-OK. Do what gives you pleasure and not what makes you feel like you’re keeping up with the Greys.