My communication fail
My Communication FAIL
When I was younger, I waited tables at a fine-dining restaurant and made friends with one of the chefs. He was a true craftsperson. He would dish up plates that were more edible art pieces than meals. The kinds of plates with small amounts of food, a lot of white space and finessed with edible fuchsia flowers resting on perfectly piped droplets of some creamed vegetable.
One day I said something like, "Wow, it must be amazing living at your house", and he responded to my surprise with, "I have an egg on toast most nights". Of course, I laughed because surely, when you make such exquisite food for others, you do it for yourself, too. But he said that cooking was the last thing he wanted to do when he got home.
It's a familiar story; the twice-divorced marriage counsellor, that person who teaches mindfulness and lacks any self-awareness. Unfortunately, we saw an even scarier example in March when the Lieutenant Governor of Tenessee, who threw his support behind discriminatory laws targeting the LGBTQIA+ community, was found to be regularly liking and engaging with a young gay man on social media.
Humans are made up of a catalogue of contradictory actions and thoughts. Some are benign, and like the Tenessee governor, some are incredibly dangerous.
And the other week, I became aware of one of my contradictions, and I felt so disappointed in myself when it happened because it was to do with communicating about sex.
Most days, I think I am pretty good at communicating. Or at least I try to be, and I also feel I need to be good at communicating to write these musings and feel like I am helping you as well. People come to me for advice, and I want to feel confident that I am walking the walk and talking the talk.
When I sent a survey recently to all subscribers, I asked what areas you felt you needed help with, and "communicating with a lover" won hands down. No question. Communicating, in general, is challenging, but communicating about sex is often more complicated because it requires you to be vulnerable, open, and honest about your desires and kinks.
So the other week, I felt like I was being treated like I was a bit of a sexual plaything a little too often for my liking. After 15 years together, my partner still finds me very sexually attractive. I'm incredibly thankful for that, but sometimes I want the romance instead of the dirty kinky stuff. Sometimes I need a more passionate and sensual experience to feel emotionally connected.
Don't get me wrong, I like both the kinky and the sweet but lately, there's been a lack of balance. And I haven't communicated this clearly. Instead, I've let my frustration build, and we then had an argument about it.
I blurted out how I was feeling, and it took my partner entirely by surprise. Firstly, he was shocked that he was giving off messages that made me feel undervalued, and secondly, he said I have been neglecting to be honest with what I needed.
Now, I wasn't entirely to blame for this. There are always two sides (or more if you have other people in your arrangement), so he also recognised that his driving desire for kinky means he can neglect the more romantic and passionate side of sex.
It became apparent very quickly that we'd had a communication breakdown. And my partner's immediate reaction was to say, "ok, we won't do dirty anymore". This isn't what I wanted; I asked for more balance, but he retreated because he felt attacked.
And this is a typical pattern. When we don't communicate clearly and there's some tension, we let things simmer, the tension builds, it peaks, we argue, we feel attacked, we retreat, and if it ends there, you don't get anywhere.
We didn't let it end there. We decided that we needed more regular check-ins to talk about how we felt about the kind of sex we were having. And your check-ins with your partner will always be specific to what you need. But for us, it was a good indicator that there were conflicting desires about the kind of sex we wanted to have at that time.
Below, I'm sharing some questions you may want to ask your lover.
Remember, it's not ideal to talk about this right before sex. Pick a time that suits you, and ensure it's outside the bedroom. Maybe over dinner or a cup of coffee or even a Negroni (did you see my recipe in the Game Night Menu?)
Tell your partner you'd like to check in with them and talk about your intimacy (you know your partner best, so use language that will resonate with them). Then, you can pick from the questions below and answer them as honestly as possible.
Of course, it's always best to talk about your feelings and to be accountable when answering the questions; for example, start your answers with "I feel . . . "and try to avoid blaming the other person. And remember, be gentle and kind.
Love,
Theodora
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