I must start this week’s musing with a disclaimer: I will rarely use size as any kind of measure for good sex, but let’s, on this one occasion, use the size of this column to illustrate what foreplay isn’t, and that is short.

Hands up if when you read “foreplay”, you think of the sequences of events that happen in the minutes – or if you’re a pleasure forager  – the hour before intercourse? OK, I doubt you’re sitting in a cafe with your hand raised but I know I’ve got you. 

So what if I were to say that those minutes are simply the tip of the iceberg and by focusing on them, we’re missing out on a hefty dose of magic that can exist outside the bedroom. 

My favourite psychotherapist, a Belgian woman called Esther Perel, says: “foreplay begins at the end of the previous orgasm and it lives as an ever-present suggestion that a small look, touch, text, or banter might lead to a little more.”

So much of what makes sex and intimacy great is play, but as we get thrust into adulting we forget how to play. Foreplay is an energy and playfulness that hums throughout your relationship.

If we broaden our definition of foreplay, it can expand to the most simple everyday activities. Foreplay can be a gentle touch over breakfast, a cheeky look at your lover while out at drinks with friends, or feeding each other a blackberry. 

So how do you add a dusting of playfulness outside of the bedroom? Leave a playful Post-It on the bathroom mirror, make an extra effort to touch your partner lovingly, or create a playlist with sultry tunes and dance together (and here’s hoping your partner can dance better than mine). Foreplay is about the play. So, go play!

originally published in PerthNow, August 12, 2021.