the raccoon and the architect

I saw a meme the other day and it said:

I nearly choked on my coffee, yelling, “It’s me, it’s me, the proud raccoon on meth!” to my Spoodle who watched me, one eye open from his boujee boucle bed. I love owning a dishwasher but I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to stacking, I’m known to throw the cutlery into the top tray with wild abandon and pop a plate lopsided–as if it were looking over its shoulder–into the bottom rack. To use any other technique seems fruitless because I know that as soon as my partner opens the dishwasher door, I’ll hear “Wow, I wonder who stacked this!” with a little chuckle, followed by the swift removal of all dishes onto the benchtop, and a re-stacking of impressive precision (not that I tell him that!). When I sent him this meme, I got the usual “LOL”.

But what I loved about this meme is that it reminded me that the fundamentals of relationships are the same. That’s why we find memes and jokes and advice about sex and intimacy and relationships so relatable. Yes, our relationship structures, personalities, flavours, likes and dislikes are all on a spectrum but at its core, a relationship is the coming together of two or more people with all their many traits and idiosyncrasies (or my 10 tenants, as I like to call them), and trying to figure out how to fit it all together; not so it’s perfect but strong enough to form a stable foundation.

And I believe that part of that stable foundation is recognising that you’re different to your partner. You’re not going to like everything your partner does or everything they believe. Some things will make you shake your head and laugh, some things are really going to piss you off and some things you simply won’t get, no matter how many times you argue your point, and seemingly disprove theirs.

And, of course, this applies to sex. You’ll find that you have needs and wants and boundaries that are different to your partner. That’s good, that’s needed, and that keeps things interesting. The key is to know what they are and respect them. But so often we know more about ourselves and our partner outside of the bedroom–our daily habits and activities are seen and so it is often easier to know that our partner is like a Scandinavian architect when it comes to stacking the dishwasher. But needs and wants and boundaries in the bedroom are not so “seen”. It’s why it’s so important to talk about sex. But I know it is hard to talk about sex.

I hope you’ve had a chance to look at the revised and simplified yes/no/maybe play menu I popped up last week in the menu section because it really is a great starting point for opening up the conversation. And even if you consider yourself a seasoned communicator, or you think you know your partner’s every desire, stay curious and know that our desires and wants and boundaries can change so this is a gentle reminder to check in and revisit the play menu from last week.

As always, please hit me up if you have any questions or feel free to leave a comment below about this musing.

Love,

Theodora