I’m watching a French comedy series called ‘UFOs’. Set in the ‘70s, it’s about a space engineer, Didier, who screws up a rocket launch and is sent to an obscure unit to investigate apparent UFO sightings. In one scene, Didier walks into the office of his astrophysicist ex-wife, Elise who is elated because she’s uncovered evidence there may be life on Europa. The two are overcome with lust, and Didier has no problem launching his rocket.

The point of this story? I’ve just described what researcher Dr Emily Nagoski – sex educator and author of the book ‘Come as You Are” –calls spontaneous sexual desire, and it’s often what we see on TV.

Spontaneous versus responsive desire

According to Nagoski’s research, there may be times you experience spontaneous desire like our friends Didier and Elise. At other times you might have responsive desire, becoming aroused following some mental or physical stimulation.

Spontaneous desire happens when you have a sudden and natural desire for sexual activity that arises without any conscious effort or external stimulus. It is commonly referred to as "the mood" or "the urge," and all genders can experience it. But this kind of out-of-nowhere horniness certainly doesn’t happen for everyone. And we can’t stress this enough. There is no “normal” sexual desire. We are all different, and we all experience desire in different ways.

Plenty of couples have different desire levels, but we often fail to understand how our desires work, and sometimes what we think is a low libido isn’t that at all. Instead, we just need the correct stimuli to get us in the mood.

According to Nagoski’s research, there may be times you experience spontaneous desire like our friends Didier and Elise, and at other times you might have responsive desire, where you become aroused following some external stimuli such as physical touch, erotic images, or verbal cues. This does not mean these individuals do not enjoy sex or have a lower sex drive; it simply means their sexual desire is more responsive than spontaneous.

Maybe you’ve read a passage or two from an erotic novel, your eyes have lingered on an incredibly hot erotic illustration or painting, or you’ve watched a kinky movie or been turned on when your partner is giving you a sensual back massage. Many other examples of stimuli may spark your responsive desire, so think about the last time you were turned on. What was it exactly that made you feel sexual desire?

Sexual desire can vary greatly from person to person and change over time. It is important to understand that sexual desire is not always present, which is normal. It is also normal for sexual desire to fluctuate over time. Stress, illness, relationship issues, and other life events can impact sexual desire. 

This does not mean something is wrong with a person; avoiding putting pressure on oneself or one's partner is essential. Differing sexual desires in a sexual relationship with one or more partners can be challenging and misunderstood. A lover can feel rejected if you don’t want to have sex with them spontaneously, but a lack of desire for spontaneous sex doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t desire them; it may just mean you need a little more to get into the mood. 

So how to get in the mood for sex?

Sexual desire is a vital aspect of a healthy sex life, and it is essential to communicate openly and honestly with one's partner about one's sexual desires and needs. When partners are open and honest with each other about their sexual desires, it can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling sex life. But it can be tricky when your partner wants sex, and you don’t. Communication is key here, and It’s important to understand what triggers your sexual desire.  

So, firstly, think about what category you fall into. And, if you have a lover, ask them whether they experience more spontaneous or responsive desire. If you’re confident you fit into the responsive desire category then suggest an activity to do with your lover. Perhaps you want to take out that erotic book (always very handy to keep in your bedside drawer) and read a passage to each other. Or try a massage. 

Need inspiration for getting in the mood? Download our Yes/No/Maybe play list below.

image by Alex Rubinstein