The Turned On Play Menu

Starters

When I first met my partner, we couldn’t get enough of each other. There was no trouble initiating; we were on a new relationship energy high. Our attraction was magnetic; everything was effortless. 

But as we know, this doesn’t last.

One day you wake up, and you realise that one of you needs to initiate sex if anything will happen. And if you're not careful, sex gets pushed aside for everything else that seems to trump it on the priority list. 

And when you get to this stage, you probably also realise that there is a disconnect. One person seems to want sex when the other doesn’t. 

But according to sexologist Dr Petra Debroff, we misunderstand the disconnect.

“Couples very quickly fall into a pattern of who initiates in their relationship. And it is often the man in the role of initiator, with most initiations likely to be non-verbal gestures such as touch and with an idea that sex should happen spontaneously. Too often both parties would be more open to sex if they were just approached in a way that works for them.”

Petra discovered that most people fall into one of four initiation styles: Surrender, Sexotic, Sentimental and Sensation Physical.

So, in this Play Menu, I have come up with some fun play ideas based on each initiation style to help you get better and dirtier sex.

And if you’re unsure where you fall, I’ve popped the link to a quiz at the bottom of this menu.

Main meal

SURRENDER

This one is all about power play. If you’re in this category, you get aroused by playing the submissive. You want someone to take control and devour you so you can let go with full trust and safety. Someone who likes to surrender does not want to be asked what should be done. It’s all about confidence and taking charge.

Don't forget that any kind of power play must have boundaries and safe words so you can play safely.

Play ideas:

• You like being pushed up against a wall and kissed passionately

• You want to be held down on the bed

• You want your lover to tell you what to do

• You want your lover to boss you around

• You want your lover to surprise you, and seduce you from behind

• You want them to grab you and have you in the kitchen, in the lounge, in the laundry, on the stairs

SEXOTIC

The Sexotic is the 'sexual adventurer' of the erotic pathways. You get turned on by the taboo, by stepping out of your usual activities and exploring. This can include new partners, new sex positions or kinky thoughts. You like to mix it up. You probably also enjoy watching porn or reading erotic and you like dirty talk and role play. The thought of these things turns you on big time.

A sexotic’s biggest pet peeve is being shamed for their kinkiness.

Play ideas 

• Grab one of our erotica books and read a passage together.

• Have a nice hot bath or shower, and tell your lover how you used that sponge.

• Watch a hot erotic movie

• Tell your lover what you’d like to do at a sex party

• Send your lover kinky texts

• Schedule a sex night and tell your lover what you want to do to them.

• Go pantyless and let your lover know

• Pretend you’re a stripper and do a little dance

• Say, “I want to have sex”

• Rub yourself up against them

• Tell them how hot you think they are

SENTIMENTAL

The Sentimental is, you probably guessed it, all about the emotional connection. The arousal comes from feeling truly connected and in sync. The physical comes second to the emotional, and to orgasm you need to feel truly close to your lover. A person who feels this arousal can be very adventurous if the emotional bond remains strong.

Play ideas 

• Sit with a wine in hand and engage in an intellectual conversation.

• They want to feel comfortable so voice any concerns you have and ensure they’re met with understanding.

• Your lover being open about how they feel about you will turn you on.

• Snuggle on the bed or the couch with mood lighting and beautiful music.

• This kind of arousal calls for our Setting the Scene Play Menu, so check that out.

• Take a bath continue and gently kiss

• Playfulness is key here, too. Taking the time to laugh and have fun.

• Focusing all attention on someone who is aroused by the sentimental will definitely turn them on.

SENSATION-PHYSICAL

This one is all about the senses–touch, smell and taste are what give the Sensation Pathway an erotic charge. Physical sensation, both from their own sensations and the sensations of their partner, is key to firing up the Sensation Pathway. Your arousal builds best at a slow, unhurried pace.

Play ideas:

• Get your partner to start slow and focus on caressing all parts of your body.

• They can kiss and caress you from the forehead to the toes

• Slowly, slowly - you want them to focus on each sensation and each moment.

• Lay on your stomach, and your lover can run their hand over your back and bum.

• Someone who likes this kind of arousal will love to be woken up with gentle kisses.

• You might love a sensual massage with oil and candles

• You might like to be blindfolded and fed chocolate

• You might like to be blindfolded and feel the sensation of a feather tickler over your body.

There are so many ideas that can get you in the mood. I highly recommend you and your lover both communicate openly about where you fall in these categories. And that way you’ll have a clearer idea of how to initiate and your partner will have a much better understanding of what turns you on.

Not sure what gets you going?

If you’re still unsure where you fall, fill out this quiz and also get your partner to fill it out so you have a better understanding of what turns you on.

And, remember, as part of BAD* Sex, you can Ask Me Anything by hitting the button below.