play with me maybe

a soft limits play menu

We all have limits and boundaries. If you listed yours, you’d probably be able to ink a wad of pages as thick as toast. You perhaps haven’t focussed your limits on your sexual or romantic behaviour but we all create boundaries in our everyday lives, sometimes without realising.

I have limits on the food I buy. If the list of ingredients is too many, it goes back on the shelf.  I have a limit to the number of times I will answer my mum’s calls in a day when I’m working (actually, even if I’m not working). I have limits on the weights I can lift at the gym, and as an introvert, I have limits on how much socialising I can and will do in a week.

Once upon a time, I might have felt bad for having boundaries, but boundaries are necessary and help us live a happy, safe, productive and healthy life.

The catalyst for our boundaries and limits are varied–physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, cultural and sexual. Some limits are solidified like dried gum on concrete; they won’t be moved under any circumstance. These are hard limits. These are things we don’t want to do. 

Some boundaries are more malleable, depending on the day, mood or feeling, these boundaries may shift. For example, if my children are staying the night grandma’s, they can eat all the crap they want because for that night, they’ll be her problem. These boundaries are sometimes referred to as soft limits. 

Your soft and hard limits feature throughout your days, and some of us find it much easier to tackle these when they don’t involve upfront and honest discussion with another. When it comes to the vulnerability of sex and intimacy, boundaries can be more tricky to uncover and then communicate.

Navigating the trickier of the threesome: soft limits

If we take the usual three categories in which we can figure out where our boundaries lie, we have:

yes: totally up for these things!

maybe (soft limits): not really into it but willing to consider 

no (hard limits): not happening!

It’s often the first and the last that are easiest to figure out because they will likely elicit the strongest responses from us. Has anyone ever asked you if you want to go jump out of a plane for fun? If you’re anything like me it’ll be a swift and guttural “hell, no!” You may also feel this if after enjoying a nice rendang, your lover pipes up with  “hey, wanna have anal tonight?” 

At the other end, you may experience an elated “yes” when a friend asks if you want to see your favourite band on the weekend, or if your lover offers you a sensual massage after a particularly shitty day. 

The "maybes" is where it can get tricky. You will probably find that the list of activities in your maybe/soft limits are those that you have never tried before, and if you’ve never tried something you might find it a little intimidating. While we may have assumptions about our perceived enjoyment, it can be difficult to know for sure if that activity will give you pleasure.

Perhaps you’ve never thought about doing these activities before but under the right circumstances, you’d be willing to try. Perhaps in the past, you haven’t wanted to try something but you feel so much love, respect and trust with your current partner that you’d be willing to try it with them with some strict parameters. Your soft limits likely are where trial and error and experimentation are going to play a big part.  

You do not have to be doing anything very risky or involving electricity to have soft limits. My partner and I are not in a BDSM dynamic but discussing boundaries and what you’re into is important for everyone in a sexual relationship. 

I’ll give you a classic example of a soft limit: anal sex. I’m not a fan. I honestly don’t get the obsession with it but I am also in a very respectful and trusting relationship and I feel secure exploring things that I might not at first be super keen to do. However, there are strict parameters around this soft limit, as in, I will only entertain the idea if conditions are met. 

you decide your limits

There are many reasons why something may be a soft limit for you and every reason is valid. You may find that over time, a soft limit becomes a hard limit or a hard limit becomes a soft limit. You should NEVER feel any pressure to do anything that you do not want to do. 

Where we tend to get into trouble –and as someone who was a people pleaser for a very long time–is when we define our limits based on what we think our partner wants. So, when you’re thinking about your boundaries, do not let your partner’s judgements (or fear of their judgements) influence you. It is your responsibility and your right to define your limits on your terms.

So, I have created a play menu just for the soft limits. Unlike some of the menus, this one offers you some questions that will hopefully help you decide what some of your soft limits are.

I would also really love to know if the format of these menus is helpful for you, or if you’d prefer them to be in a different format. You can email me or pop a comment below.