What is polyamory?

We recently sat down with a friend of ours, Dave, who has been involved in the polyamorous community for close to two years. Polyamory means “many loves” and has been described as “consensual, ethical and responsible non-monogamy.” Some mistakenly believe polyamory to be centred around sex but it actually stems from a desire to build multiple loving, long-term relationships. As such, many believe a crucial defining characteristic is an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency within a relationship. We thoroughly enjoyed chatting to Dave about his experience. This interview has brought up even more questions for us about polyamory and “sexual fluidity”, a term which has been around for quite some time but has recently been thrown into the spotlight largely due to celebrities talking about it more and more. As always, feel free to add any questions or comments below! So, without further ado, take it away, Dave…

Theodora: Thanks for chatting with meus. Let’s start at the beginning. How did you become involved in the polyamorous scene?

Dave: It was an accident! After a long monogamous relationship ended, in 2012 I got back into OkCupid. It’s the preferred dating site in the poly community, which I did know, but I used it because it’s also traditionally the preferred dating site of nerdy folk.

Theodora: And that’s where you met Anna? Did you know she was married?

Dave: She was entirely upfront. Most poly people on OKCupid are very clear on their profile; hers said she had a five-year-old daughter and a husband. We had a lot in common, so I thought, “why not, let’s do something a bit crazy”, and contacted her to see what would happen. We got along great! About a month after I met her, I met her daughter and then her husband shortly after.

Theodora: And how did that go?

Dave: Her daughter was excited to have a new person to talk to and hang out with. It was a little scary when I met her husband – Anna and I had already slept together – but it turned out anticlimactic because he’s fairly introverted and didn’t mind me being there at all.

Theodora: So there was no jealousy?

Dave: He wasn’t jealous. Jealousy is often talked about in the poly community, and it can very much be a problem, but thankfully not in our experience. We are all fairly low-drama people, and Anna and her husband communicate very well, probably because they’ve been married for almost 20 years.

Theodora: So you’ve been in a relationship with Anna for about two years now. Are you in love with her? Is she in love with you? Is she in love with her husband? 

Dave: Yes to all of the above! I’m very much in love with Anna, and she is very much in love with her husband. Those feelings have actually been one of the most interesting things for me in this relationship – people talk about polyamory, and the questions that immediately come up are usually about sex. It’s not just about the sex.

Theodora: So you see this as a long-term relationship?

Dave: Yeah, I would say so. Somewhat to my surprise, I love her in that intense, overwhelming way, so the long-term idea feels natural. The questions and doubts that come are pragmatic logistical concerns such as what if I want to move away? The doubts are not about whether I want the relationship.

Theodora: Her relationships are currently just with you and her husband.

Dave: Yes, I don’t think she wants a 3rd relationship. She needs time to spend with her husband, her daughter, and me and also has to work! Many of the nuts and bolts of having a polyamorous relationship boil down to time management and Google Calendar usage.

Theodora: On the topic of balance. I’m assuming Anna’s priorities are her husband and daughter? Is that something you’d be happy with for the long term?

Dave: To drop some jargon, poly people sometimes talk about primary and secondary relationships – as the names imply, “Here is my more important relationship, and my less important relationship”. Anna and I initially used these terms. But we don’t like that it implies a secondary relationship getting the scraps from the primary relationship, we try hard not to let that happen.

Theodora: Whatever labels you use or don’t use, it sounds like you’re very happy with how you fit into the arrangement.

Dave: Yeah. Our relationship certainly isn’t secondary in terms of how we feel about each other, but it is secondary in the sense that I see her twice a week instead of every day. That actually works very well for me, given my heavy workload.

Theodora: Do primary and secondary relationships ever meet sexually?

Dave: A poly relationship is a great way to set up a threesome! If anything, I’d say that it hasn’t happened as often as I would have liked …

Theodora: Are threesomes common in poly relationships?

Dave: It varies widely between people. The structure we have now, given that Anna’s husband currently doesn’t have a girlfriend, is sometimes described as a “V”, where there’s one person, Anna, in the middle and then two arms of the V for him and me. I’ve heard many stories of V-shaped relationships where the two ends don’t interact.

Theodora: Are there many bisexuals within the community? Are you?

Dave: I’d say I am bisexual, and there are definitely many bisexuals within the community. Of course, this doesn’t describe everyone, but in our relationship, none of us is entirely straight.

Theodora: How did your family react to you moving from a monogamous relationship to being involved in a polyamorous one?

Dave: I told my mom, and it didn’t go well. It was about six months into our relationship, and there was a moment when I was telling her about what was going on in my life and thought I should tell her about Anna.

My mom is very traditional, and I tried to paint the picture with the most non-controversial language I could find; she still reacted poorly and wanted me to break up with Anna. She said the relationship sounds immoral and sinful – those were her actual words.  Since then, it’s been swept under the carpet, which has kinda been okay.

I have a messy relationship with my family, so one thing that’s been lovely for me is that Anna and her husband have really welcomed me into their family. They migrated here about a decade ago and have no family here. Becoming part of their family has probably been the biggest and most emotional part of the relationship for me.

Theodora: They often say that about relationships, when you break up with someone, you don’t just break up with that person, you break up with the whole family.

Dave: That’s very true.

Theodora: And what about your friends? Are they constantly quizzing you about threesomes?

Dave: Some ask lots of questions because they want to understand it, and some are just curious about the sex. I sometimes describe myself to them as “the bold anthropologist, venturing forth into the world of polyamory, reporting back about the landscape and the exotic creatures found therein” :-)

Theodora: I love that! So, any recommended reading for those interested in discovering more about the unchartered world of polyamorous relationships?

Dave: One of the seminal texts in the poly community is called “The Ethical Slut.” It’s not solely about polyamory, but more the idea of being a slut, sleeping around a lot, and how you do this ethically without trampling on people’s feelings. The two authors are old-school lesbian San Francisco hippies who start by saying, “We’ve been sleeping around and trying not to offend people for decades; here’s how we do it.”