All the small things
A few weeks ago I sat at a bar across from a cool school dad who gets paid to make TV shows, and in his spare time, chases bands from city to city.
On this particular afternoon, it was him, me and a bunch of parents passing the time while some scary fairies with broken wings entertained our kids.
Over a 4* negroni, the conversation turned to music and he revealed his unwavering dedication to Blink 182. He could tell by my dull expression that I didn’t share his enthusiasm but being the polite, still-recovering people pleaser that I am, I asked him to tell me more about his obsession.
He started reeling off their songs–the more obscure ones that only true fans know–and I feel to mess with me purposely left to the very end the only song title I could recall: All the Small Things.
While he was catching planes and sleeping on concrete outside ticket centres to see three boys jump around in their underwear, I was binging on more serious artists like the Spice Girls.
However, All the Small Things is one of those songs that once it is in your head, stays there. Forever. So, cool school dad was tickled pink when I managed to recite some of the lyrics that are stained in my brain like mulberries on a cream carpet:
Late night, come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares
If you really want, you can watch the entire clip for the song but lay the blame on Travis for the fact that you'll be humming it while you're sleeping.
But now we end up here. In a roundabout way, to my musing about all the small things.
When relationships end, you often hear, “We just grew apart”. I feel that way about a few of my past relationships and it’s something my partner used to say about his previous marriage.
The thing is, relationships are fucking hard. They are really complicated. It doesn’t matter if they’re committed, casual, sexual, or you’re still figuring it out.
You’re dealing with a hefty sauce of emotions, vulnerability, conflicting needs, wants and desires. And because relationships are just one part of your life, they compete with everything else for attention.
And they need attention. Every day they need attention. I’m not saying you need to go and buy your babe diamonds on the double but every day you need to be aware of all the small things.
If you don’t pay attention, you’ll find yourself disconnect from your partner. It’s inevitable.
Relationships are like the creeping ficus I’m trying to get growing up my ugly fence.
To get this thing to this point, I have had to sprinkle some fancy fish/seaweed concoction on it every fortnight, I've had to water it, mulch it, and make sure there’s not too much sun on it otherwise the delicate leaves will slowly burn. And don’t get me started on the bugs! How many bugs can possibly exist in nature?! And look at it, it's a pathetic excuse for a creeper!
Comparing a relationship to a ficus plant might seem trivial. But that's exactly it. It’s the constant buildup of minor things that will break down your relationship, my relationship, and everybody's relationships over time.
And your sex life is no different.
If you ignore intimacy, you will grow apart. And it’s not about having sex every day. I don’t have sex every day. I’m not sure who has the time or energy to have sex every day.
You can create intimacy by doing simple things for each other, consistently. Touch your partner when you can. Give them a hug, a kiss, and hold their hand.
Put down your phone when you’re with them or when they’re talking to you. Pick your phone up now and send them a sweet message. I am not a very affectionate person (I was called aloof and snobby when I was younger) so I have to constantly work on the small things.
My partner, on the other hand, is very good with affection. Within an hour of leaving for work, he will, most days, send me a sweet message about how much he enjoys being with me or what he loves about me (or how much he wants to bend me over the kitchen bench). He's also usually the first one to give me a kiss or a hug.
I'm working on being more attentive. I recognise that it's the small things that make all the difference.
Don’t let the disconnect simmer. The longer you leave it, the more uncomfortable and harder it becomes.
You don’t have to leave roses by the stairs to show you care, you do not have to have sex every day to create a strong connection. Next week, I will share with you a menu that will help you nurture connection in your relationship.