Cheating and the art of Kintsugi

Cheating and the art of kintsugi

I’ve been thinking a lot about Kintsugi. I’ve been familiar with the Japanese concept for quite some time but was reminded recently when I watched an episode of Ted Lasso (anyone else devastated that this show has now finished?!).

Kintsugi is the traditional Japanese art of mending broken things with gold. It’s about embracing the beauty of flaws. The Japanese carefully mend broken ceramics and use a lacquer mixed with powdered gold to create a beautiful golden thread that runs like veins through the now-mended ceramic. 

A kintsugi rice bowl. Ain’t it so pretty?!

Good relationships are like Kintsugi. You know a relationship is good and solid when you’ve had to mend it and afterwards, you see a new kind of beauty in it. Of course, it’s not easy and it’s sometimes harrowing when you’re in the thick of it, but if your partnership is strong enough, it will hold the broken pieces.

But I haven’t always believed this. As a late teen, I often talked with friends about what we would and wouldn’t stand for in a relationship. Things like cheating were big deal breakers. You know the old “kick ‘em to the curb if they fuck up” attitude or the old “once a player, always a player.” And it was seen as a weakness on your part if you didn’t kick ‘em to the curb.

But having been on both sides of the infidelity train, this kind of attitude is ignorant because it implies that when humans fuck up, they don’t deserve a second chance, a chance to right a wrong. I feel like I fuck up most days in one way or another; if I’m not making enough money or having enough sex or yelling at my kids, I feel in some ways like I’ve failed.

What’s beautiful about kintsugi is an appreciation of the whole, the good with the flawed. The look and feel may be different, but at its essence, it is still the same bowl. If the heart of your relationship is strong, you can create a new and often better relationship because challenges will force you to understand yourself and your partner better.

My relationship has seen some tough times, and there were moments when I considered cutting loose. Still, I am thankful I stuck the course and didn’t listen to the irrationality in me because my relationship is now laced with more understanding, appreciation, and beauty than my 16-year-old self could have ever imagined.

I want to say that this has been possible because when shit hit the fan, we both tried hard to make our relationship stronger. We were honest and open and worked together. It takes all players of the partnership to work together.

I want to leave you with a video from my favourite psychotherapist and a woman who has helped me open my eyes to possibilities. If you’ve read my words for a while, you probably already know she is my biggest woman crush. I highly recommend you watch this TED Talk on ‘Rethinking Infidelity’, and share it with your friends and partner.

Love,

Theodora