Run from fear
Hello, my darling subscribers! I took two weeks off from writing and socials just to have a bit of a break but I’m back and looking forward to making our BAD* sex community even better this year! At the bottom of every post I write there’s a direct link to a form where you can ask me questions so please do!
The other night over dinner my son looked at me and said “Mum, your eye is bleeding.” I laughed it off but he responded with “I’m serious”. I looked at my partner who looked slightly concerned and then at my daughter who started screaming and jumped off the bench seat where she had been enjoying her noodles.
A quick Google search told me it was a subconjunctival hemorrhage, a harmless but freaking-looking bleed in the white of the eye. As much as I tried to explain to my daughter that it was harmless and mum was fine, she refused to look at me for the rest of the night and when she could hear me coming up the stairs, she ran to her room and hid under her covers.
A few days later, I woke to a message from my friend in Paris informing me that she wants to leave her husband because he mistreats her but she’s too scared to talk to him about it because their marriage has never been one of great communication.
Two different incidents, both doused in fear.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how fear. How it can drive us when used for good and how it can alter and distort our thinking, and our feelings when it overtakes.
When I was much younger, I had a boyfriend who would hurl insults at me any chance he got. And it got so bad that I didn’t want to be naked in front of me because of the horrible things he used to say. I carried that fear with me into other relationships before I hit the therapy and did the work and realised that was all him, none of it me.
But fear is a powerful thing. It can conceal the truth, it can render you immobile, it can cause great pain and it can protect. I can never decide whether fear feels like someone is sucking out your breath or cementing your whole body to a wall. And when it comes to relationships and sex, fear is destructive.
My friend’s husband is an emotionally abusive person but her fear of communicating and rocking the boat has meant she has stayed in this relationship for decades. My daughter’s fear that she would see blood dripping from my eye meant that I couldn’t show her how small it was. My fear of being naked with my partner meant that I spent years not believing I deserved pleasure. I have friends who won’t have sex with people because they don’t like their bodies. They don’t see how beautiful they are, all they see are rolls of fat and cellulite.
We all fear, it’s one of the seven universal emotions and it exists to keep us out of harm’s way. Fear becomes a problem when it hinders and stops you from doing what you want or being who you want to be.
Is there something you want to experience solo or with a partner and you don’t do it because of fear? Is there a sex position you want to try but don’t bring it up because you fear rejection? Does your partner upset you with words they say or don’t say?
I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions but do yourself a favour and think about all the ways fear might be affecting your relationship or the way you experience pleasure.
Love,
Theodora
Write to me with your questions and curiosities.