My kids recently gave me the wonderful cookbook, Tenderheart, by Hetty Mckinnon. Hetty is a wholesome vegetable stalker. My copy of her previous book, Community, is so loved that its pages are slicked with oil patches and covered with food smudges and many handwritten notes–recipes I loved, those I can do without, amendments to quantities and substitutes.

But I digress.

Tenderheart is an ode to vegetables and has chapters dedicated to her favourite heroines in the all-important food group: Asian greens, broccoli, spinach, pumpkin, potatoes, and the infamous brussels sprouts.

For those unfamiliar, these are brussels sprouts:

As I was flicking through the pages of the brussels chapter while doing my weekly meal prep, butt plugs popped into my head. (Oh yes, I’ve been told on many, many occasions that my mind works in mysterious ways).

But butt plugs are like brussels sprouts. Both seem like small, pocket-sized nuggets of terror that need a whole lot of somethin’ somethin’ to make them palatable. They are both misunderstood and shrouded in shame. But the only reason people are frightened of sprouts and plugs is coz they just don’t know how to work ‘em.

So the latest menu is all about how to work em’ (and I mean both of them: I’ll share my favourite link for cooking sprouts at the bottom of this butt menu).

You’re welcome.

Why would one want to use a butt plug?

Full disclaimer: I don’t rate anal. It’s just not really for me. For some, having things in their butt can feel amazing (especially those with a penis and a prostate), but I don't have a penis or a prostate and I just don't get amazing sensations from it.

However, I like butt plugs coz they are kinky AF. For me, the pleasure exists in the taboo, not necessarily in the sensations. And it is something else to know that wearing a butt plug is driving your lover wild.

Butt choosing one is complicated!

Well, yes, it can be. Like the many other toy options out there, knowing what plug to choose can be confronting. They come in different shapes, sizes, materials and functions.

Some vibrate, some have pretty gems in them and others come with luscious tufts of horsehair.

Some are closer in shape to a spade ♠️ and some are much thinner and tapered.

Which size fits best?

Any time you’re trying something new it’s always best to start small and easy. So opt for a small size. A small will generally be around 1 - 1.25 inches in diameter but always check the product description before you buy. From here, you can work your way up to medium, large and even extra large.

All butt plugs must have a flared base and this is so it doesn’t shimmy its way up your butt.

What are they made of?

This one comes down to your personal preference. You may want a pretty glass or metal one, or you may want to opt for a softer material such as body-safe silicone.

Vibration or no vibration?

Some butt plugs have a vibrating function. The vibrating can be a bit intense if you're not used to anal play but if you're intrigued by the vibrating option, there are plenty of companies making good quality butt vibes.

Got lube?

Lube is your butt’s best friend. Do NOT attempt to play without lube because it will be over before you've even had a chance to get started!!

You need to match your lube to your plug material. Water-based lube is best with silicone plugs and silicone lube can be used with metal or glass butt plugs. And don't be shy–that lube wants to smother your plug!

Hands solo?

I would use your plug on yourself before handing it over to someone else to insert. I find a lot of the apprehension of using plugs can be mitigated by taking charge of it yourself so that you have all the control.

Have plenty of lube handy, smother it over the tip and put some around your butt hole too and then gently manoeuvre it in.

You can try laying on your back, with your feet tucked close to your bottom. Grab your lubed-up plug and gently with a circular motion ease it in. With enough lube and gentle pushing it should go in quite easily but stop if you feel it is too much. Get used to the sensation of wearing a plug without your lover touching it.

You can have sex reverse cowgirl or doggy so your lover can get a lovely view. Remember to be clear about what you're happy with when you are wearing it. Discuss your boundaries with your lover.

Happy plugging and as always, if you have any questions about using a butt plug or buying a butt plug, hit me up here.

And as promised, here is how to cook brussels sprouts so they don't taste like nutty and bitter old people.

Bon appetit, my kinky babes.

Butt it's complicated :: a butt plug menu