The more you have, the more you want

How’s your July going? Mine hasn’t been off to a flying start. It’s cold for us in the Southern Hemisphere. Damn cold. My skin feels like it’s been dragged through the desert for a month, starved of any kind of hydration. My lips are burning, my body is crying for a thick coating of moisturiser. My daughter has had a few restless nights, my strange and busy nightmares are raging, and there have been many roadblocks to navigate.

Sometimes, I find myself caught up in a rip tide of happenings, forgetting to steer myself into a clearer, calmer state of life. And, when I feel overwhelmed, I have a quicker temper and I’m nowhere near as fun, or funny, as I’d like to be. I also tend to crave personal space. And early nights. And sleep. And sleep over sex. So, my sex life with its inherent wax and wanes, is currently in its wane phase. And interestingly, solo sex and partnered sex both seem to suffer simultaneously. Do you find that?

And here lies an interesting problem and something worth musing over. I know that the more sex I have, the more I want to have it, and the less sex I have, the less I want it. And research shows that this is a fact. So lately, I’ve been neglecting sex and so my desire for it isn’t there. Perhaps it falls in the same category as the out-of-sight, out-of-mind idiom. You’re not having it so you’re not desiring it?

Similar to when you have little sleep and all you want to do or have the energy for is to lay like broccoli when the best thing for you at that moment is to go for a walk. Just like sex, you know the exercise is good for you and will make you feel better but you have to know how to get past the blockage first.

I often comment to my partner that I feel great unrest when we’re not having sex. I don’t like it. I feel so much better and so much closer to my partner when we’re having regular sex. I know this to be true and yet still I can get myself caught.

So how do you get out of the funk? I can speak from my experience but I find that I get to a point where I’m unhappy about the situation and recognise that I’m close to hitting a limit and I will then and make some sort of meaningful change that steers me in another direction. Such as scheduling in a night of pleasure (either solo or partnered) and sticking to it. This is probably the easiest and most direct way to make change.

The other thing I will say though is, you’re going to have times when sex isn’t a priority. That’s just life. Shit happens. For me, the important thing is to be aware of it, acknowledge that you’re not happy with it but also create some acceptance that this is where you’re at. This doesn’t mean become complacent or ignore it but it means don’t beat yourself up about it. You just need to make some small steps to get yourself back to where you want to be.

If you’re like me and you’ve been neglecting pleasure–self-pleasure, partnered pleasure or both– don’t feel the need to masturbate every night but make it a goal to do it once over the next week, or make it a priority to have sex with your partner one night over the next week. And I would love to know how you get yourself out of a funk.

Love,

Theodora