I am scared of flying. I have the greatest urge to travel and then I’m fine going to the airport and walking onto the plane and organising my luggage but as soon as that engine revs up my palms sweat, my breathing fastens and I’m torn between not being able to move and wanting to run at the door, yelling “bomb!” just to break out. 

My partner thinks it’s because I’m not controlling the plane but as I keep telling him, if I were controlling the plane then it definitely would crash because I wouldn’t know the first thing about flying a plane. I still can’t even really wrap my head around how something so big stays in the sky, even though I’ve read all the stats and “know” it’s the safest way to travel. Apparently, I have a greater chance of dying if I go to my local beach and hang out as shark bait.

In my defence, It wasn’t always this way. I had a scary experience flying into LA 17 years ago where people were sobbing and screaming and trays were flying from their shelves and crashing on my floor, and I’m pretty sure everybody thought we were going to crash and not get to experience the delights of the land of plastic fantastic.

But, I am what I guess you would call a control freak. I like to be in control not just when I’m flying but also during sex. And it’s taken me a while to let go and submit to being restrained in any way. I’m usually the dominant one. I like being active instead of laying there doing nothing. I’m also a recovering people-pleaser so there’s that to factor in, too. 

The journey of letting go and submitting to a form of restraint has taken me a while to ease into but it’s been enjoyable. And when people talk about restraint, they are usually referring to hands or legs being tired but this menu is about sight restraint.

sight restraint :: the starters

While touch is thought to be the first sense that we develop, sight is our main form of connection to another. Our eyes have been a tool of seduction forever; during the Renaissance, women would use drops made from the berries of the belladonna plant to dilate their pupils and make their eyes appear more seductive.

We use our eyes for everything. We live in a world filled with a constant need for the gratification of immediacy. We desire with our eyes; we shop with our eyes; we are visual creatures of habit.

We're so used to our sight playing the dominant that it overtakes everything else. So you can just imagine the party to be had when our wallflower senses get a front-row seat.

Sight restraint is a great way to heighten your other senses during sex. By closing your eyes and using, for example, a blindfold, sound becomes more attuned, smells become more nuanced, taste becomes more intense, and touch becomes more electric.

sight restraint :: the main meal

As always, you want to try this in a safe and consensual space. Any kind of restraint is only super hot and erotic when it's consensual so let's talk about it, always.

Discuss with your partner who will be blindfolded and who will pleasure. Pick a blindfold or a soft material you can use. There's no need to rush out and buy anything. A scarf or silk tie or even an old skirt cut up will do the trick.

Take turns! Start slow, and tease. Start with a simple massage or stroking the body. Or perhaps you want to have a makeout session while you’re both blindfolded.

But take it slow. This helps build up tension and also helps ease you into it.

Have a go at homing in on each of your senses. For example, you can use music to ignite your hearing, a scented candle to tease out your sense of smell, a piece of dark chocolate to tingle the taste buds, and fingernails or feathers or something scratchy or soft to accentuate touch.

If you begin to feel uncomfortable when you're blindfolded, ask your partner to ease up or stop playing entirely. And whoever isn't blindfolded should constantly be checking in too.

You may find you’re comfortable having sex while your sight is restrained. Take it where you want but just remember to always communicate and talk about how it’s going.

sight restraint :: the dessert

All our sexual play time should end in aftercare.  Aftercare is a time for partners to wind down and feel secure and comfortable. Our sexual experiences can bring up all kinds of emotions. Especially when there is some sort of power play and hair pulling is definitely a power play.

Aftercare is a time to feel safety and closeness as if wrapped in an oversized, emotionally supportive jumper.

And there are some key ingredients to this post-coital closeness:

1) It’s intentional, so set aside time for it;

2) it’s vocal, which means you ask each other how you are feeling,

3) It needs to be discussed before play.

Other than that, it’s up to you what form it takes. It may be that you want to hug it out, dig into a bucket of ice cream, or put on your favourite tunes and have a lil’ dance party.

Aftercare is just as crucial for experiences with a new lover as it is for lovers who have seen the years together. And remember, it’s never too late to introduce it into your sexual experiences.