How to open up a marriage
How one couple opened up their marriage
I think it's fair to say that most of us enter into a marriage with the idea that it will be an exclusive relationship in all matters - emotional, financial, physical. We say "I do" with the intention of creating a lasting bond with someone that in most cases, we've chosen. And we may have chosen them for a lengthy list of reasons. Most of the time we expect our "other half" to excel and outperform in many, many areas. Often, it means putting an incredibly large amount of pressure on one person to tick all our boxes.
So what happens when you're married to somebody who you adore, who is your best friend, who you trust fully, who you respect wholeheartedly but who does not fulfill you sexually? Do you resign yourself to the fact that you may never have hot sex again? Do you seek sex therapy and try to rebuild a connection? Do you cheat? Or as in Sarah's case, do you decide to open your marriage?
Sarah's Story
"I'm 34 and my husband Mark is 39. I was in a relationship when we met six years ago, but from the moment we met there was an intense and palpable chemistry. I had been monogamish/cheated sexually with every boyfriend prior to this and was determined not to do it again, so I resisted my attraction to Mark for a few months. In hindsight, while I was being sexually faithful to my then-boyfriend, I was very much emotionally straying. Finally, one night the chemistry got the better of us and we finally kissed and it was a sparks-flying moment. I broke up with my boyfriend and jumped enthusiastically and immediately into bed with Mark. We spent every night together for a month, then moved in together and never looked back. We were married 3 years later. We come from healthy and stable families with both of our parents being married for over 40 years to their first partner. For us, marriage did not change our level of commitment to one another; it was more of a legal document and something for our families."
HOT :: Why did you choose to move your relationship from monogamous to non-monogamous?
From early on our dynamic was a bit different than previous relationships and those of many of our peers. We chalk this up to being a bit older and more sexually experienced when we met, and both very independent. For us, the ability to trust and want to share family, work, finances, and all the nitty gritty reality of coupledom was so important and neither of us wanted to settle for someone who didn’t share the same core values. I think neither of us had really been with someone that we trusted to share our fears and hopes as well as balance the shit reality of paying bills and managing a household. After the honeymoon lust period waned, we found ourselves drifting into an incredibly comfortable space of love and respect but sex became less and less of a feature of our bond. After a few years together I did start to think that on one hand I couldn’t imagine a life without Mark because he had become my closest and greatest friend but I also couldn’t imagine never seeing another dick. And I know he felt the same. Looking back I think we began talking about the fact that sex didn’t define our love and bond very early on, and we were both laying groundwork for opening it up.
HOT :: When did you open your relationship?
After a year of dating and living together we began talking about how sex and sexual indiscretion is not a deal breaker for us. For both of us, emotionally straying was a bigger issue. I’d find myself jealous of how much his work life took up his time, but no problem with the idea of him hooking up with someone else at a buck’s weekend. We both work in social industries with lots of flirting and interaction with attractive people so we agreed early on that it wasn’t worth the time stressing over "what ifs" and temptation, and instead accepted that as long as we came home to one another (without a disease or a child), that was fine with us.
I don’t know when Mark first slept with someone else, I assume a few years ago once our sex life really slowed down. I’m curious but also realise I don’t need to know and there is some nicety in keeping discretion. For me, I had pondered it for a few years and didn’t do anything until last year, when drunk flirting with a friend escalated and casual flirting slowly morphed into kissing and then some.
Around the same time, I realized how much I loved another man and how it wasn’t impossible for my heart to love two people very deeply, despite whatever my latent Christian morality may have tried to say otherwise. This other man is one of my dearest friends, and I had an A-HA moment when I realised that depth of my feelings for him… and that it didn’t detract or diminish the depth of my feelings for Mark or what I wanted from our marriage and partnership. It got me thinking – my love for my BFF is not diminished by her friendships with others so why does the dynamic change when sex is involved? Mark doesn’t own or define my identity, and our love for others shouldn’t reduce our love for one another.
HOT :: How does the open relationship work for you and Mark?
We are lucky in that we don’t have kids and we have opposite work hours so we both have a lot of free time to do other things. For both of us, the openness is mostly about sex and some companionship/friendship with benefits. Mark and I take priority, so for now, if we have a night or day off together we spend it with one another and cannot ditch the other for a secondary partner. For now, we do not ask details and keep other partners separate. I’m not opposed to meeting another partner if he thinks we could become friends but he isn’t at that point yet. I have set a boundary of not sleeping with anyone in his industry or who may know him. We both know that our arrangement is not mainstream and acceptable in Perth (yet!), so I am very conscious and protective of his professional life and do not want to do anything (anyone) that could damage that.
HOT :: How do you set rules and boundaries and importantly, how do you stick to them?
This is something we are constantly communicating and navigating, and IT IS NOT EASY. For a long time, it was “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”; but lately that has changed. Now, if either of us will be home late or staying the night out, we text the other to say “I’m not coming home” so they don’t worry. This could be because of a late-night drinking with friends or with another sexual partner. We purposely keep it vague to minimise potential jealousy. I don’t want us lying to each other but I think neither of us really care (or are ready) for details.
The rules changed after I found myself in a "friends with benefits" situation where I wanted to spend time with someone as a friend but also occasionally have sex with him. The emotions involved for me were superficial friend-zone and never felt like a threat to my primary bond with Mark, but I also felt guilty and that I was in a sense lying to him. So after a few months of awkwardness, pain, and lots of tears, we had a big heart to heart (that involved lots of tears and emotions). This cathartic conversation put us onto a new level of openness. I think we both recognize that we may want some levels of companionship from others (maybe co-workers that understand better our day-to-day, or just someone from a gym that we could lift with), but those are still superficial cares compared to our deeper emotional connection. As said above, friendship and caring for another doesn’t diminish how Mark and I care for one another. To some degree I think we're also both very conscious of who we choose to sleep with and make sure that person can stay in the friend zone and we’d never desire more from them. If someone comes on the scene for either of us that we feel a deeper connection with, I believe we will continue to talk about it and work it out.
I can’t stress enough that as easy as this may be sounding, it sure as hell isn’t easy. Talking honestly and expressing what you really want - and not what you think the other person wants to hear - is so key (and yes, talking often involves lots of tears and anxiety), as well as being very conscious in the decision of another partner.
HOT :: Do you sleep with strangers? friends? foes?